The past few weeks have seen a new trend rising on facebook. Every college and school now has a ‘Confessions and Compliments’ page where the students of the particular institution anonymously spill their hearts out in public. Seeing the trend, I wanted to start one of these awesomely interesting pages for my college as well but thanks to all the work relating to the upcoming film festival- First Frame 2013, I didn’t want to over spill my plate. So the other day when some anoynmous college mate of mine made a similar page for our college, I was glad. And so was born the MBICEM Confession and Compliments page. Undoubtedly, the page became an overnight hit with every student taking a dig on all possible people in college.
That’s not the end of the story. And this is not the point of writing this post.
The word ‘confessions’ caught me. Somewhere deep inside my head I knew that there are a lot of confessions that I would like to make to a lot of people I have known or rather, people who have known me. More than that, I have wanted to ask myself the answers to many questions that I have about me and I want me to answer them honestly. (Self-introspection could have been a simpler word) I want to know exact answers to many questions that people ask me but I tend to ignore or avoid simply due to lethargy to take up another issue on my brain. Or should I say, I just try running away from certain things? I don’t know.
Two days back I had raised a question to one of my college faculty: What if I move to make a magazine rather than making a film for my final college project? It would be a lot easier and it is something I know I can do. I also raised my apprehensions of filling the entrance examination form for FTII, Pune. I told her that I still am not sure what I want to do in life. She laughed. She tapped her forehead with the tip of her index finger and said Ask yourself. What is the thing you want to get stuck with for the rest of your life? I stood still and stupidly smiled not knowing what to answer. But that was enough to make me start thinking…
Somehow I landed up thinking about the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter and I asked myself what I would see inside the mirror if I stood in front of it. (For all muggles reading this, here’s a tip: The Mirror of Erised says: I show you not your face, but your heart’s greatest desire.) Never in my entire 8 years with Harry Potter have I thought about this. A baffling question it seemed. And what’s my answer? I don’t know- that’s what I thought initially. But when I actually started thinking about it, it seemed the answer was right in front of me. I knew it from always; I just never acknowledged it.
No, a seat at FTII or any of the prestigious institutions isn’t what I would say is the ‘greatest desire’ I have. Having loads of riches, being famous, being popular- no, none of it. So what is it? Is it something simpler and more personal? Is it an expectation of having a set of close friends who I would like to talk to and express everything I want to and know that I would be understood? Is it an expectation of getting drunk with my best buddies and enjoying life as if there is no tomorrow? Is it an expectation of having someone who knows me the best and would call me his/her best friend and I would willingly want to reciprocate the feeling? Is it an expectation of being understood by them? Of being accepted by them the way I am? Of being respected by them for who I am? Confused soul I am, and I want to anonymously ‘confess’ what I desire.
Talking to oneself is sometimes too complex and expressing every one of those self-thoughts in writing as a blog entry isn’t easy. While I write this I know I am not expressing all of the ‘self-thoughts’ openly and clearly due to a simple reason: This is a public platform and there are far too many people who can read this and who can talk about it in a way I wouldn’t want them to do. That’s what makes simple things scary.
If you have gotten till here with this boring self-thought self-introspective and solely-self-relating post, you might want to know the reason of me writing all this and expecting you to read it. Well, I have no clue why I have written all this. Probably it was a burning desire inside me to tell certain things to certain people without directly telling them what I want to tell. Probably it was a simple time of introspection and a desire to pen thoughts into words. Probably it was a desire to take some time out and have an update on the blog which somebody referred today with the words ‘looks neglected’. I don’t know. Whatever it was, I am happy that I have written so many things here-Some intrinsic things which I have always desired to express but have never been successfully able to or probably have never had the best platform at the right time to do so.
Thank you, dear friend, for patiently reading this post till the very end. This is going to be one of the busiest months in my 21 year life. I hope you are by my side till the very end.
Expect some more-cheerful posts in the days to come. Tada! ;)
P.S.: At the end of this post when I think about this confession I wanted to make, I feel I have already made it. The simple factor that I don’t want to go knocking at doors and tell people “HEAR ME!” stops me from acknowledging what it is.