Of Choices, Decisions and their After-effects

There is so much going on in my mind. There is apparently so much happening in my life. There are so many thoughts I want to share. It feels as if these thoughts, mostly confused, are trying to force their way through the gates of my brain. The gates screech and move dangerously but refuse to open and let go. I don’t feel frustrated. I don’t feel irritated. But a sense of uneasiness and malaise prevails. I feel restless.

Tough ‘Futuristic’ Decisions

And so it happened that when I met a good friend today, he asked me about my plans once I completed my Masters, one and a half years from now. Further studies, a job or something else? If a job, then in what industry? I have no clue. The only thing I am certain right now is doing a Masters in Animation doesn’t mean I am going to stick to the animation industry for the rest of my life. I might, or I might want to get back into mainstream journalism or might enter production in some way. For now all of it is a big ‘might’ and none of it is close to a ‘will’. And frankly speaking, I don’t even care right now nor do I want to worry about it until it’s time. I have a good one and half year to see things through and decide. Yeah, decisions are tough, but must be taken when time comes.

Having made one of the toughest decisions of my life at the beginning of this month, I feel confused. I fail to understand the reasons for certain actions of mine. The future is uncertain, no use thinking or worrying about it. But what if a certain decision of ours changes the course of our future, and that too for the bad? It’s our choices that decide who we are, more than anything else, right?

The ‘First Frame’ Choice and its After-effect

I made a choice about a year back. That of managing an international students’ film festival. The four months that followed, saw me working day and night in the most dedicated and passionate fervor. Not only did I work for the event, I forgot everything else in that period. Literally. It was solely First Frame that I ate, slept and drank. It was solely First Frame that I thought of and talked of. My friends had to forcefully feed me real food, because for me, spending 10-15 minutes having a meal was a complete waste of time.

My 'First Frame' Crew Badge and T-shirt

In one of our conversations at Jamia a few weeks back, a classmate was talking about the fests organized in Delhi University colleges and the huge amount of money that the organizers- the students- earned every year. It was the first time I got to know this big reality- Events are done for money. But what did I do with First Frame? I lost over 10 kilos of body weight, a huge amount of sleep and missed out on a huge number of fun activities that I could have done in those last few months of college. I never thought of earning a single rupee, nor did I earn anything else except for experience out of the 4 months of work-selflessly-for-the-college and forget-to-live-life period. I got a huge amount of respect and appreciation for the work I did from everyone who knew me. A ‘Letter of Recognition’ from the college would probably have made me happier, but alas, that didn’t happen. 

It’s been 6 months since First Frame got over, and sometimes now all these thoughts frustrate me. I do not regret having worked the way I did, but it remains a fact that because of the way I worked, I am no longer able to take up another task or responsibility, because even the smallest of the tasks seems daunting. Probably that explains my completely laid back attitude in all class activities since I started college at Jamia two months ago. I hate it.

Work I love-vs-Work I do

Master’s in Animation… I wasn’t forced by my parents or anybody else to take up this course. It was my last choice. But yes, a choice I made. I knew I would be expected to do a lot of sketching and drawing in this course- something I had previously only done for leisure. The prospect of having to submit 200 sketches every week scared me on Day 1 itself. For almost a month I was questioning myself- Have I made a mistake by taking up this course? But then slowly the classes gained pace and I was learning so many new things. I like it at Jamia now. I like being there at the Animation Lab and working on my system.

Sometimes, and mostly when I am walking, something I do a lot these days, a thought crosses me and I ask myself- What would I rather be doing- sit down and somehow manage to reach the 200 sketches a week milestone or write something, probably a new entry on my blog or a paid article for one of the many magazines/blogs that I got an email invite for. And I get lost again. Confused between work I am doing and work I love doing. For the past two months I have chosen to do those sketches, but today when I should have sat down and completed the work for the week (more than 50% of which is not done and the submission is in the morning), I chose to go and meet my friends and write this blog entry. This probably is making me calm down. A much required relief after the hectic week- something I probably should practice more often.

Why this blog entry

For the past 2-3 days I have tried to write this blog entry. A sense of desperation and helplessness prevailed. I used to open a new word document, stare at it for long minutes, type a few words and close the file without saving. I knew what I wanted to write, what I wanted to spill out of my head. I just had no clue where to begin, where to proceed and what to include. I knew that writing this stuff would increase a page on the World Wide Web that nobody would be interested in reading. I have done this before, in similar times of confusion. Just a couple of people sincerely reading what I have written and trying to help would make me happy, although sincerely I don’t know what kind of help I look forward to. I am happy that I have a platform to express myself openly without anybody stopping me for my actions.