I am Lost!

Another month and I would be done with my course. End of the two year Masters degree. Obviously, the question on each and every person’s mind whenever they meet me these days is: “What’s next?” I don’t know if it is the most obvious question or the easiest question to ask. Whatever the case might be, (it doesn’t matter actually) it sure is the most difficult question to answer for me these days.

Whether it was the college magazine we made in straight 20 days in 2012 or the revival of the 'impossible' First Frame international film festival in 2013, I knew and was repeatedly told that I am great at managing work and working under the tightest deadlines.

At the end of a college event few days back, which was effectively done in less than a week and was able to garner coverage in the local newspapers, a faculty of mine told me, “There is something about you that makes people listen to you. People want to work when you ask them to.” And frankly, I was surprised. Nobody had ever told me anything like this before. I just had a smile on my face and was wondering, This man has known me hardly since a few weeks and has absolutely no clue of the work I have done previously. How did he judge me so well so soon?

My parents asked me about booking tickets to go home after my final exams in May, and I just couldn’t figure out when and for how long I should go home. And once home, what’s next? Where will I go to from there?

Unlike my engineering and medical friends, my media course didn’t come with a ‘fixed’ path for the future. A 3 or 4 year course ending with a good placement and later an MBA- No. There was no ‘placement’ at the end of the Bachelor’s degree. There isn’t one now at the end of the Masters. I don’t know if being in these media courses is actually helping us or is making us more confused. With the number of fields I have been exposed to over the last five years, there have been a few career options that I have been very interested in.

Should I move to Mumbai? After the few days that I worked in a production house there last summer, it seemed to me that I knew that this was exactly what I wanted to do. I had loved being an AD, working on a film set, and everything that came with it. But over the last many months, the ‘certainty’ has decreased. An unknown kind of fear has engulfed me. I am not able to figure out if I am creative enough for the film-making thing, unlike what I have believed for so long. When I am not able to figure out small things for making my short documentary work and rely on so many people for it, will I just remain a ‘glorified runner’ a.k.a. A.D., if I actually move to the city?

Should I get into events? Two of the three big things that I believe I have done in the last two years have been events. Two purely managerial works. And I have loved managing those. The sole problem here that is stopping me is this predominant disposition about being in the core film industry as a director a few years down the line and for which I ought to start soon. Is this the can-vs-want­ question?

Should I concentrate on writing? I have been following the Media Jobs page on facebook quite seriously over the last few days and there have been some very promising writing/blogging related job offers. I just keep wondering if this is what I want to do. Sit in front of a computer and write articles? May be a book some years later? I never respond to any of the offers.

The success of the recent college event brought me into a huge dilemma once again. The very same that I was in two years ago at the end of my graduation. What do I want to do in life? And for the last few days, I have simply avoided going to college because I see no point in going there every single day. I have locked myself in my room, watched episode after episode of my latest fixation ‘Lost’, tried editing my final semester documentary project without actually going anywhere with it, ate irregularly and slept a lot. I haven’t written a blog post in a month. I haven’t yet participated in the Pepsi Crash the IPL contest although I was superbly allured by it. I have not been able to think clearly about anything. I have tried distracting myself, but I realise that’s not helping.

There have been couple of instances when I have grown superbly frustrated, felt like shouting and prayed that I magically get answers to a few questions: What’s next? What will I do a month from now? Should I move to Mumbai or continue staying in Delhi? Films or events? Or sit at home and do freelance writing?

My dear enemies and competitors, Rejoice! I have no answer to these and yes I admit, I am a little scared. My dearest friends, help me see the light at the end of the tunnel!

The only reason I wrote down all these things is perhaps this uneasiness I felt when I went out of the house this evening. I walked around a bit and realised the normal atmospheric air was heated up. Somehow it didn’t strike me right and I knew I wanted to write something down. I just didn’t know until opening this word document that it was the heat inside my head. Writing a too-frank CV never helped me. I don’t know right now what purpose would be solved or how it would help me if I put this up on the blog now.

I don’t know anything. I am lost!